Fear

I am always frightened of something. It is such a constant state for me that I find myself feeling worried and having to ask myself "Wait...WHAT am I scared of right now? Oh that's right..."Sometimes it's just a vague worry--a soft, burbling creek that I can just barely hear. Sometimes it is a roaring fear that takes my consciousness hostage. But it's always there. Like a refrigerator humming...sometimes I forget it's there, but it's there.

Some of my fears are justified and some are irrational. Some are results of choices I've made and some are just a fact of life. But fear is such a senseless waste of time either way; I just wish I knew how to make it stop. My brain is just a hamster on the fear-wheel---sometimes all night long; round and round and round.

I believe that those who "get it" see that fear is useless. If they are not able to eliminate fear altogether, they at least know how to quiet their minds. I can do neither.

First step is admitting you have a problem, right? Next step: finding a solution.

Chill

This word was my mantra while I meditated this morning. It really applies to all areas of my life. Excuse my Lloyd Dobler rip-off, but I MUST chill. Whatever messes I have to tidy up in my life will not be solved by my frenetic, obsessive, rotating whirly-gig of emotion I am operating under lately.

I once heard someone describe the voice of God as a "still small voice". That appeals to me ~ a still, small energy gives me peace.

I downloaded what is known as the Gray Sheet plan, a meal plan published by OA. It appears at first glance very Atkins-esque--no man-made carbs, no man made sugar. But unlike Atkins, there is portion control: meals are 1 protein serving/1 fruit or 1 protein/1 Vegetable + salad. The thing I hated most about Atkins (food lists/restricted foods) and the thing I hated most about WW (portion control). Sounds like my personal Diet Hell, no? I am so frustrated that I am actually beginning to surrender to the absurdity of it all: what the hell, right? looks crazy. looks impossible. just might work.

I am sick of working on it all. I am sick of being on the carbohydrate binge/crash cycle that I am convinced is contributing to my emotional turmoil. I am sick of feeling tremendous hope at the beginning of the day and crushing disappointment/shame/guilt at the end of the day. I just want something that I can just give in to--not to many choices; just easy-peasy so I can focus my energy in another direction.

Like trying to locate my son's swim trunks when they were on top of the dresser this morning and I know he hasn't gone swimming yet today so where the frickety-frack could they have gone? See--I got all kinds of fires that need puttin' out.